I yelled today...

I was in the kitchen making my kids lunch today. Ham and cheese. Annie's graham crackers. Milk. I realized when I finished that it was quiet. TOO quiet.

I went on a search and found them both in Hudson's closet where they had emptied every toy bin, clothing bin, and every single box of books. I then realized they had done the same in the family room and E's room. HOW did they manage to do that in 10 minutes when I had left them quietly playing together?

So I yelled. I yelled at them for making a mess, I yelled at them to clean it up. I yelled at them that I couldn't believe they would do this when they knew better. Hudson laughed and I yelled at him to stop laughing.

My house was a mess and looked horrible. I yelled at my kids today for messing it up. I didn't eat my lunch and I cried in a room by myself. I needed Jesus and His wisdom. I needed His grace.

So yes, this day was a royal failure in all kinds of ways. And here I am confessing to the whole world. Transparency is needed though. I want to be a non-yelling mom! No excuses! 

I realized after my yelling spree that they were both quietly looking at me. E is too young to fully grasp it yet, but Hudson looked wounded. Did I call them names? No. Did I scream? No. Will they be scarred? I sure hope not because it IS rare for me to yell. But, was *I* wrong? You betcha, and I asked them to forgive me. I am so thankful for children who show such grace to their mama and love me still. :-) I want them to feel safe and know I will love them through anything. That I will be there for them when they mess up. 

Does it make me the worst mother ever because I yelled? No. But is that the kind of mom I want to be or the kind of mom that my kids know me as? Never! Time for a change :-)

The house is still now during their quiet time and as I sit here sipping my homemade pumpkin spice latte (with Wildtree pumpkin spice blend), I am able to clear the cobwebs away, pray, and share my heart with my readers and friends. 

As Anne Shirley says, "Tomorrow IS a new day, with NO mistakes in it". And as Jesus says, "Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 

Don't mess up your days with anger and harsh discipline. Love them. What memories do you want to have 20 years from now? Just think on it :-) 

A paradox...

Maybe someday I'll get my whole life story written out, but this recent writing of mine will have to do for now.

my life is a paradox...

I was....
conceived.
born.

unwanted.
wanted.

ignored.
listened to.

the least of.
the best of.

given up.
adopted.

abandoned.
enfolded.

rejected.
accepted.

loved only when convenient.
loved for who I am.

bitter.
happy.

distraught.
content.

unsettled.
settled.

angry.
calm.

hypocritical.
sincere.

but God took hold of my heart and changed me.
I forgave... wholeheartedly and without abandon.

I now...
love.
rejoice.
accept.
hope.
dream.

and continue to forgive and strive for courage and beautiful grace.

for this, my heart is grateful...